Binder Junior and The Beast make some waves…
Did you watch the ‘retro-fied’ opening titles? If not, go back and watch them. We got vintage British Television-Drama-vibes, and are all for it. The retro liveries donned especially for the seventy-fifth year of MotoGP celebrations were, for the most part, epic. Some more so than others. The tributary helmets and other little bits added to the fanfare.
In other news: someone had snuck in and moved the Start/Finish Line. Bloody filchers.
Moto3:
As usual, the Moto3 boys opened the day with some epic, nail-biting racing. Even though the rain was throwing out warning signs at the start, these turned out to be empty threats. Rossi lined up for his hundredth premier-class race. Well done, “Not-related-to-THAT-Rossi” Rossi!
At the end of the first lap, Roulstone wanted to take the scenic, gravelly route through Turn Sixteen, and forced Muñoz to go with him because he’d have been lonely otherwise. This earned Roulstone a Long Lap Penalty, (Yay! More scenic route riding!), since Muñoz hadn’t agreed to accompany him, and was rightly peeved at having his impressive recovery from the rear-end of the grid nullified.
One lap later, Piqueras was aiming for Turn Eighteen when he was punted out of his seat and sent for a side-quest space mission while his bike lay itself down directly ahead of an oncoming Ogden who, for a lack of other immediate options, used it as a launch ramp. The irony of his tribute helmet design was not lost on us – a beautiful tributary lid design in honour of his navy-pilot brother. Somewhere outside the chaos of the Piqueras-Ogden incident, Pérez crashed in sympathy for his teammate Ogden. Ogden was spotted trying to kick the Monster ad, and apparently missing. Zurutuza crashed on lap Five, at Turn Eleven. He walked away quite briskly, so no physical injuries were suffered.
But attention was fixed to the battle, no, absolute WAR for top spot that had raged all race long, only to kick up a notch in the final laps. There was rubbing. There was dive bombing. Had they any bumpers, there’d have been bumper-bashing, too. Instead, there was rider-bashing, most notably when Alonso bombed past Veijer on the last lap. Ortolá came through as the victor across the line, followed closely by Alonso in second, and a grumpy Veijer in third.
Once in Parc Fermé, Colin gave someone (Alonso, we’d bet money on it) The Glare. Meanwhile, Ortolá couldn’t be happier, celebrating his fiftieth Moto3 race with a pole and a win, on his twentieth birthday? What more could a young rider ask for? Cake…. which he got full in the face shortly before he had to leave Parc Fermé.
Happy birthday, Iván.
Moto2:
We tried to predict the outcome of this race, did you?
On only the second lap, Masiá’s bike decided to leave him behind for a shot at the moon-landing, but failed and crash-landed outside of Turn Fourteen. Masiá hunched down on the grass at the edge of the track, likely asking the racing gods what it was he’d done to make them this angry.
Arbolino’s race ended with him running straight off at Turn six during lap four, he kept it upright just long enough to land nice and deep in the soft gravel. Though he did rejoin, he was essentially out of the race. A very dusty Chantra trudged off from Turn Sixteen, oddly bikeless, during the fifth lap. On Lap Six, Moreira wanted to try out his skill as a pro bowler, wielding his bike like a weird-shaped bowling ball and tossing it at a few imaginary pins at the sixth turn. We also lost Salač during the same lap. No details were disclosed. From a healthy-looking third on track, Roberts dumped it at speed entering turn two during the seventh lap. There were a few footpeg-sparks, but they were not sufficient for a Sparky Award. Sorry, Joe. At turn seven on lap ten, Aji went airborne most spectacularly, but soon found gravity too strong and crashed down onto the track…. HARD.
Non-British folk were rooting for Canet who, for nearly the entire race, had fended off Dixon in order to keep the lead. The British fans, however, went absolutely ballistic when Dixon dive bombed Canet into the first corner at the start of the final lap. Canet later admitted he’d hit neutral at that moment, fumbling his chance to reclaim his lead. Dixon took victory in front of his home crowd, celebrating like he’d won the Championship. Someone’s going to have a banger of a hangover on Monday. Canet had to settle for yet another second place, while Vietti put in a blinding final lap in order to win the fight for the final podium step.
Courtesy of a certain Darryn Binder, we have no fingernails – nor toenails – left. Starting in eighteenth, Binder managed to climb all the way up into fourth, where he remained for some time before being relegated to a final position of sixth.
Fantastic race, Daz!
Dixon did the worm dance-thing on the track. The track filed for sexual harassment.
MotoGP:
Saturday Sprint Race:
Carnage happened right from the first few seconds after the lights blinked off. This was a Sprint Race you shouldn’t have missed!
From the grid to Turn One, Morbidelli suddenly forgot how to ride, turning his Ducati into a kamikaze snake heading straight for an unsuspecting Marco Bezzecchi who was innocently navigating his way around the first turn. Suddenly, both riders were flailing off the track, Bezzecchi’s highlighter-Ducati morphing into a massive, odd-shaped bouncy ball. Its bounce was so impressive, it went on bouncing even through the gravel. Both riders had a hard time getting up – Morbidelli was swiftly popped onto a stretcher, while Bez was still crawling around on all fours like a halfway-transformed Beast Mode Transformer. Good news was that he later managed to drape himself over the broad shoulders of a marshal, who helped him get to safety.
On Lap Two, Brad was avoiding some Bagnaia contact and in the next next corner, got slapped on the rear by Acosta. Bits of GasGas went flying. Binder seemed unscathed and unphased. Acosta managed to stay in the race with half his bike’s moustache ripped off. Things looked promising for a massive fight for the lead when, without warning, and four corners after setting the fastest lap of the race, Bagnaia simply… slid off.
Near the end of Lap Eight, Márquez – Senior – tilted into Turn Sixteen, but did not, in fact, turn. Instead, he slid off, very much glued to the handlebars in a state of Slide-Denial until his movement was halted by the graveltrap. Here he quickly deadlifted his Ducati, got on, and proceeded to bog it in said gravel like an amateur mud-crawler.
At the front, Bastianini had grabbed the lead and was not about to hand it over. Not even with a fight. And he didn’t, making Bastianini the eighth rider to win his first Sprint Race. Behind him, Martín settled for second, and Espargaró got third. Binder, contact and all, held on for fourth. During cooldown, it appeared that both podium-bound Ducatis had run either out of fuel, or into troubles.
Luckily for them, Miller Taxis is still very much operational – and training a new recruit. Acosta was spotted giving Martín the kick-and-push, while Miller was busy shunting Bastianini around. With Acosta taking over Miller’s seat at KTM next year, and Miller very likely retiring to pastures new (literally and figuratively), it’s only fair that he gets trained in the ways of the Miller Taxi.
With or without Jack on the 2025 grid, the legacy shall live on!
Main Race:
Because the Brits have to do everything differently, the Big Guns came out second on Sunday. These retro liveries were the bomb. They also made identifying who was who a tiny bit harder. Amazing how one becomes accustomed to identifying people by what they’re riding, eh?
Just like the Moto3 race before it, the MotoGP race began with a threat of rain. And also much like the Moto3 race, that threat evaporated rather rapidly.
When the lights blinked out, everyone bolted – except for one pale KTM, which was coasting in reverse!
It turned out to be Brad Binder, who for half a lap viciously attempted to drag the muleness out of his bike, but finally had to call it a day and park it. (We were later informed that this was due to a clutch issue, related to someone forgetting to disengage their Warm-Up ‘fuel-saver’ mode and change it back to the race mode. Someone’s in trouble!)
Morbidelli’s main retro race began with two Long Laps in added value, courtesy of his Sprint Race cannoning of Bezzecchi. Early on during the first lap, a blue-and-silver blur passed the back of our pictures. As we later found out, this blur was in fact made up of a tangle of Trackhouse Aprilias. We had to wait until after the race to find out what had actually led to the double-team demise of Raúl and Miguel.
First, Oliveira ran a little wide. No biggie, just get back to it. Unfortunate timing for Fernández (Raúl) to lose it on the inner corner… Raúl’s bike went skiing out, cutting down Oliveira’s ride along the way to the gravel. Trackhouse Tag Team tryouts? By Lap Eleven, Mir snuck down into pit lane, retiring from the race.
At first, it seemed like a Bagnaia runaway victory. Then, it seemed a Martín runaway victory…. But oh, the plot twist! When Bastianini managed to dive past his World Champion teammate after the latter had run a little wide, he began reeling in Martín, who was about a second up the road. By the penultimate lap, Bastia was close enough to plan a move for the lead. In the end, all his planning was for naught, as Martín buckled and ran wide as well, letting Enea through. In the lead, Bastianini opened up and ran off. And so, Bastianini made it a two-for-two on the seventy-fifth MotoGP weekend. Martín settled into second, and Bagnaia settled for third. Best opening line in a Parc Fermé interview we’ve heard in a while:
‘Yea f@ck HeHe’ – Bastianini.
Y’all see who was on flag duty? Fred and George Weasley. Their mother’s going to have a fit! And then they go and pose with Bastia in Parc Fermé for photos to boot? Oh dear. Should any major flaws have crept into this report, and we missed it, please direct all blame to the Flu Department. They were working for overtime this Sunday.
Next up: Austria, the first race of the second half of the 2024 season.
Yes, we are indeed halfway through the year in terms of MotoGPs.
Deal with it.
We’ll be shouting for Brad!
